I remember the time when my left hand was bruised. It was the time when we had a writing competition coming up and I was practicing each day religiously. My wounds didn't heal and I kept pushing hard, doing every necessary thing to ensure my place but when the time came, the condition of my hand was so severe that it took a lot to just raise my hand. Of course, I didn't compete because I couldn't. I was severely sad, wondering why I wouldn't get better. When I finally cried, I found peace in my Mother's arms. I remember her stroking my hair gently and asking, "If you weren't okay in the first place, why did you force yourself to be okay? If you were gentle with yourself and took care of your hand, it might have healed and you might have been able to participate." That alone was a revelation.
I pushed myself in an environment where I couldn't heal and got mad at myself why I wouldn't become better. I deliberately chose patterns that I should have discarded a long time ago. I have realised that it doesn't take much to lose hope and fall in a dark pit of sadness. So, we have to be extra caring towards ourselves. No one can grow in a toxic environment. To heal, we have to get out of that very situation. We have to give ourselves the time and space to treat our wounds. Of course, taking time off can make you feel unproductive and when you are unproductive, you often feel like a failure. There is no easy way to get out of that feeling. So, keep yourself close to the things you are working on. Read about them, visit them in your mind but also remember that you cannot go on living life half-heartedly. When you work, you don't do it just for the sake of performing. You do it because you want to. Similarly, you cannot live by constantly carrying a heavy heart. There is a time when you have to put that heaviness in a place where it doesn't have the ability to paralyse you again. So, please be gentle to yourself today when your heart is aching. Reach out to people and things that can help you. Healing isn't a waste of time. Rather it's an investment to make sure that you are ready for tomorrow, even when you have your doubts. I hope you don't let yourself suffer alone again. I hope you are always there to take care of yourself, even when no one else is.
- Rae Pathak,.