I am slowly learning that I will never be the person I was before. Things happened, and my heart was shattered. Pain went through me like thread through a needle, and roughly tacked the broken parts of me into its very colour. I know that this, too, will be okay one day. Like the time when I had forgotten how to breathe and pretended to smile just to not let everyone else worry about me, and then slowly I found myself smiling without even trying. My Mother said that if you wear a mask for too long, eventually it becomes a part of you.
On most days, the world seems too heavy, but for my sake, I am learning how to carry the weight and still live a little in my own way. I understand that pain will always be there, and the only way I can face it is by accepting its existence. I am realising that no matter how much regret choosing wrong things in my past, it won't change my future. People will leave or choose someone else. I can't do anything about it. I will be the only person to stay and pick up parts of me. I will be the only one who will pat myself on my worst days.So, I have to take care of myself. I am not looking for closure or reasons why people did what they did. All that's left now is the consequences of my choices and I am learning to accept it. I want healthy habits and healthy relationships. I don't want to make justifications for anything I did. I want myself to learn how it is to eat rice without crying on Sundays when I have no one else. I want to learn how to watch movies and eat in a restaurant alone. I want to teach myself that there are things that are beyond my control and if I try to control them, I will lose sight of myself. So, the best I can do is watch it unfold and change my life accordingly.
I am slowly learning that I have to be the one who fixes myself. Other people can't do that for me. Love surely helps, but if you don't know who you are, you might lose yourself completely again when the worst happens. So, I have to learn to take care of myself before giving a part of my heart to someone else. I am slowly accepting myself for who I am, and changing habits that are bad for me. I don't want to get caught up in things that aren't for me. I don't want shallow love, or friendship. I want to text people 'I miss you' at two in the afternoon when they are at their busiest. I am learning that I might not be special to everyone, but I should at least be special to myself.
I deserve that.