I've been searching for purpose in my own built stage, where I instilled to myself that everything has it's price to pay and that I am responsible for the feelings of other people.
That's why I lived my life in a constant fear, lived according to other people's convenience, did my best to act everything in accordance so that they won't get upset (because I don't want conflict even if it's not okay with me). It resulted me in suppressing my emotions, thoughts, etc. My only way of coping up is to be there when someone is in need, because in that way I feel like I'm not alone and I am able to heal myself in comforting others because it feels ten times better when you know you are part of someone's growth.
Unconsciously, it's worsening my mental health. Fear turns into trauma, my bad habbit of suppressing my emotions is affecting me physically where I always experience chest pain, upset stomach, nausea, this also the reason why I've acquire migraine. Loud noises don't usually come from my surroundings, it comes from my head. It is there when I am at school, it is also there when I have a dance practice, it's there when
I am in the jeepney, it's there when I'm laughing with my friends, it is always there and I don't know how to get rid of it.
For those moments that I didn't hurt myself when I am at verge of self violence, for those moments that I went back home when I feel like disappearing, for those moments that I complied to the demands of toxic environment when shutting them down is in my mind. For those moments that I held on because I think that's the way to prove myself that I am strong. And for the times that I thought that I'm okay but I am not fine at all.
The most expensive thing I've acquire in my 19 years of living in this crazy world is the art of letting go. Nobody has taught me that letting go isn't an attitude of a failure. No single person told me that there is healing in quitting. But when I looked into it, everything is a sign of letting go, everyone told me to choose myself I'm just blinded with fear. I found out that I was the last person who's not choosing myself.
And that you'll never understand the art of letting go until you experience it first-hand.
You'll never understand the art of letting go if you don't choose yourself.